


The Rainbow BITCHES House

by DarkFlierSina



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Coffee, Combined Houses, Everyone loves sarcasm, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multiple Timelines, School Life, Shit Updates, Underfunded Schools, War Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-13 15:02:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20584451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkFlierSina/pseuds/DarkFlierSina
Summary: After a fire destroys countless records and infrastructure at Garreg Mach Monastery, The faculty is forced to appoint one student as the head instructor for a combined class of the three houses in order to rebuild what was lost. However, with both main professors busy, the main faculty is forced to appoint a highly trained student as a temporary professor. Enter "Byleth" Eisner, daughter of the famed Jeralt Eisner, who recently joined the school as a student after her father was forced to return as a captain for the Knights of Seiros. With an oversized class of twenty-four students with three house heads, a low school budget, and a slowly dissipating coffee supply, the only thing Byleth can look forward to is her bi-weekly paycheck.However, danger lurks in every corner, and forces that oppose Byleth's students strike in every direction. With a dragon girl constantly chattering in her head, weapons breaking every mission, and not to mention the lack of mental health services the school offers, it is only a matter of time until Byleth loses her mind.Thankfully, sarcasm is here to save the day. Maybe.





	The Rainbow BITCHES House

**Author's Note:**

> Soo I haven't finished the game yet. I'm not making promises on how correct the personalities are for each student so you get what you got lol. I'm also not making any promises for consistent updates because life is shit. I do however, promise to make every chapter the best it can be! So keep your expectations low as I'm literally writing this as I go lol. Also the only reason why I'm writing this is because the game is constantly stuck in my head and I can't write my own personal stories because of it. So keep your expectations low once again lol.

Part One-

Pollution in the Sky

_ Students, Meet your New Professor! _

"Hello!...  _ Hello…  _ Hello~-" Ugh, this isn’t working. Let’s try this again… 

“Hi! I’m Byleth Eisner.” Ooh, no that won’t do. My eyes blink back to me as my reflection reveals how much of a bitch I actually look. My objective isn’t to scare people, it’s to be nice, something I apparently can’t do well. 

_ “Uhh… I know you don’t normally do this, but when we enter the monastery, you’re going to have to be a bit more… Nice.”  _

Father’s words echo in my head like a drum beating to an off-putting beat. Be more nice… Be more nice… Nice? Me? Of course I can accomplish such a task! I’m “Byleth” Eisner for crying out loud! I can do anything. I learned how to wield a blade before learning how to read. That sounds off when I think that aloud though… Man, my life is fucked up. 

No matter how much I try to contort the muscles in my face, I only produce one expression- A single, emotionless, blank stare. If I try to do anything else, I look like I want to murder someone in the most bloody, devastating way possible. That’s not me mind you. I’m not some insane human being trying to be someone I’m not. I know who I am. For the most part. 

But why is it when I try to be more pleasant, the only person I can see is a young woman trying to convince herself that she can be anything she wants to be? Screw this, I’m getting breakfast. 

I remember the day when father decided that we were gonna come here. I also remember his face when Lady Rhea asked him to return to his position as captain, all while I attend school here as thanks for his services. Father could never pass up the opportunity to make me a better, stronger person. All with my own approval, of course. I’ve never attended school before, every single day for the past couple of years had been me swinging a sword at some poor souls face, all for the sake of getting food on the table. I’m still doing that though, but I’m doing that while I hit the books as well. 

So I step outside my room for once, and the sun flickers in my eyes as a cloud passes by. Students from all walks of life comes here apparently, though I only see fancy nobles with fine jewelry around their necks and commoners with the most simplest attire, a completely black and white scene. The school wants to integrate life here for every single person, but all I see is favoritism. Then again, Professors Hanneman and Manuela do have a thing against nobles from what I hear. 

The first day of school is just for students to meet their classmates. In Garreg Mach, the school is divided into three seperate houses that reflects their place of birth. The Black Eagles who should really be named the Red Eagles is from the Adrestrian Empire, The Blue Lions hails from The Holy Kingdom of Faergus, and The Golden Deer originates from the Leicester Alliance. Me? I actually haven’t been sorted into a house upon my request. I’m just here to study, an in and out job, no friends, no romance, just a quick and easy four years. After that, I’ll hopefully be able to pay off my loans with “better” mercenary work. 

The Mess Hall is unsurprisingly busy. Professor Hanneman and Professor Manuela stands in front of the main class with the house heads. It sounds like they’re having a discussion about something important. Whatever, it’s not my issue. 

“Students, as you know, there was an… Incident a couple of nights ago.” Professor Hanneman sighs with his hands behind his back, looking sternly at the student’s eyes. I continue to walk towards the counter to order my food. I almost make eye contact with the head of the Black Eagles, what was her name? Lardgard? Edgelard? Edelgard? Edelgard! That’s her name!

“Hi! I’ll have the Garlic Butter Cod with the Creamy Pesto Pasta as well please!”

“Coming right up Byleth!” 

“Thank you!” 

“Unfortunately,” Professor Manuela crosses her arms and looks at the floor disappointingly, “we might not be able to hold class for a few weeks to figure it out. It’s just that all of your records of combat and placement scores have been lost, we would have to start all over again from the admissions process to get it all back!” I lean back against the wall as I look at the student’s look of horror. Damn, that sucks. 

“What?!” I hear a girl with pink pigtails yell, “We have to do all that  _ work  _ all over again?!” Professor Hanneman nods to her,

“I’m afriad so Hilda.” The House Head of the Blue Lions raises his hand,

“If I may Professor Hanneman, would it be possible for the students to partake in independent study?” Professor Hanneman scratches the back of his head with a frown on his face,

“I’m afraid not, Dimitri. Even the records and work for that is lost too.” Professor Manuela flips through her notes, bundled up in a disorganized folder until she pulls out a sheet of paper. 

“Professor Hanneman and I will be working to recreate what was lost. In the meantime, I suggest that you all contact your relatives and tell them about this…” 

“I knew it…” A tired girl with blue hair murmurs, “Everywhere I go, bad things happen because of me.”

“Order’s ready!” Oh thank the goddess, I don’t want to be here anymore. I turn around and grab my bagged meal as I fast walk back to my room. 

“Wait!” The House leader for the Black Eagles raises her hand and stands up, “Isn’t it possible that a student might be able to teach the classes?” A boy with slightly orange hair nods his head,

“Yes, I remember when my father was here, a student from his class lead lectures and such in place of a sick teacher!” Professor Hanneman and Professor Manuela looks at each other in concern, 

“Well yes,” Professor Manuela says, “Normally that wouldn’t be allowed, but in times like this, that might be a good alternative. It’s just that this student would have to take charge of all three houses at the same time.” Oof, I would hate to be that bitch. Almost there to the door… Professor Manuela glances at me, but returns her gaze to the students. As I reach for the door handle, I hear her gasp and her heels clack against the hardwood floor. 

“Byleth! Please come here.” DAMNIT!!! I inhale deeply and straighten my back. I turn around with a bright smile on my face, and walk towards everyone with my hands in front of me, clasping the bagged meal as hard as I can. 

“Yes?” I stand next to the two professors as they smile at me, such an innocent and fake smile they have. Professor Hanneman clears his throat and looks takes a deep breath,

“Professor Manuela and I have been reviewing your work and current grades. I must say, you are in high standing for valedictorian upon graduation!” Oh shit really!? I barely do anything here! 

“Yes, Professor Hanneman is right. As I recall, you do not have a weakness in any notable areas. You have strengths in Swords, Brawling,  _ and  _ Authority! Not to mention your somewhat knack for Faith magic.” 

“Oh, thank you for reading aloud my strengths to the rest of the students, it’s very flattering.” 

“Of course dear, anytime!” 

“Noting these strengths,” Professor Hanneman says, “you almost have as much experience to become a teacher here!”

“Oh yeah, I do love people my age.” 

“Almost as if you’re as strong as the professors here at the academy…”

“Be a professor here Byleth.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Oh, thank you for agreeing to the position!” What. “Your pay grade is lower than everyone else's, you get your paycheck at the beginning of every month, and you still have to live in your current dorm.”

“What?” Professor Manuela throws me her folder of reorganization and papers fly out and onto the floor. She and Professor Hanneman pulls out a clipboard and begins to jot down some notes. 

“Now,” Professor Hanneman begins, “You need to choose the name of your newly combined house. It is monastery protocol after all!”

“Wait!” Dimitri raises his hand, “Is this really happening?”

“Sit down Dimitri, and yes it is.” 

“I personally have no objections.” Claude smirks at me and winks with a slight head tilt. Ugh. 

“Me too, it will be nice for the three houses to get along with each other for once.” Edelgard smiles. 

“Yeah!” A girl with short pigtails says, “It’ll be like one big party!” 

“Is this common tradition in Fodlan? Events such as this are not happening in Brigid.” 

“Oh Petra,” A girl with a cute hat puts her hand on this Petra’s shoulders, “it really isn’t, but I say just go with it!”

“Whom am I going with?” 

“Oh, I’ll explain it to you later.” 

“Well Byleth? What’s the name of your new house?” I can feel a smirk forming on the right side of my face and my eyes peer through the empty void. 

“It would be cool if we were the mustangs or horses!” A girl with short orange hair says. A slightly older student with a ribbon at the end of her hair giggles and raises her hand,

“Why don’t we be something calm, like the herons?”

“Ooh, nice thinking Mercedes!” 

“I say let’s be the Rainbow Bitches House.” 

“Yass!!!” The girl with pink hair squeals,

“Uhh, what?” Dimitri looks at me in confusion. Constant murmurs and giggles erupt from the crowd of students. 

“Relax! I’m only joking.” Manuela gasps and purses her lips. 

“...Oh. I put Rainbow Bitches down on the official form.” The eruption calms down, and everyone stares at Manuela with a blank face. 

“Manuela you buffoon!” 

“Oh shut it Hanneman, you put it down on your form too!” 

“No I did not!”

“Yes you did! I literally see the words on your paper!” Manula snatches the clipboard from his hands and reveals the mistake to everyone. “See!” 

“This is blasphemy!” A boy with a terrible haircut stands up and unleashes his eruption, “I will not partake in this school if this is the house I am learning from.” I raise my eyebrow and roll my eyes at him.

“Ok. Then leave.” With a gasp from the students and a wide eyed expression, he immediately sits back down. That’s what I thought bitch. Wait, why am I going along with this!? “Wait, wait, wait, I never agreed to this!” Professor Manuela and Professor Hanneman stare at me with wide eyes. With a quick glance to each other, they stuff my hands with even more forms and scurry away from the mess hall, leaving twenty-four pairs of confused eyes staring at me. 

“Uhh… I guess I’m Professor Byleth Eisner now?” I pull out what I assume to be the agenda. And what do you know, I need the placement exams on Seteth’s desk by the end of the day. And it just so happens to be 10:25 AM. I have 24 students to examine and 11 areas of study to test per student. That’s 264 tests to finish by tonight. Fuck. My. Life. Dimitri rubs his eyes and quickly stands up with a smile on his face. “Let’s go to the training grounds and get this over with.”

“W-well now. It appears that our situation has changed. As the former house leader of the Blue Lions, please allow me to-” Edelgard shoves him out of the way and takes my hand and shakes it with a firm grasp.

“I am Edelgard von Hresvelg, next in line to the Adrestian Empire. I’m pleased to make your acquaintance professor. I know you will lead us to victory, even with your current… Circumstance-” 

“Hey there!” Claude pulls me aside and takes my hand, kissing it instead of shaking it. OH. MY. GOSH. “I’m Claude von Riegan of the Leicester Alliance. How about we continue our introduction as we walk to the training grounds? 

“WE can have a chat as well professor!” Edelgard takes my other arm and walks me to the training grounds with the rest of the class following us. I look behind me, and see Dimitri staring at me in shock. I smile to him, trying not to express any awkwardness, and wave my hand to him. He lets out a shaky smile and waves back to me. 

264 tests to finish by tonight on top of the other shit I have to do. That definitely sounds humanly possible. 


End file.
